feb. 9, 2007

LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES...

AND SO I CHOSE CAREFULLY.

ITS JUST THAT, HE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE.

feb. 02, 2007

all i have are the thoughts of you (para kay manok)

i dont know who that is you want to find somewhere.

and i also dont know who that someone you said you only have are a name and a number.

but i just wanna let you know too,

that HE knows how much i miss and long for those times that we stare at each other and just stare at each other.

those times that we share the smoke i clip by my lips.

those times that we drink until i fall on my knees.

but now, i just satisfy those longings watching you from a distance and how i wish i can still have the chance to stare at you without reasons,

share with you the smoke i clip evrynight now in my darken lips,

and i wish i can still fall on my knees and you're there to shout at me "BURAT KA NA!".

thoughts of you cant help me bring back those times.

its you.

feb. 2, 2007

im every minute in defeat.

its easy to fight when you are winning.

its so easy to stand up and be brave when the victory is already approching.

but for me, who cant see any victory ahead,

who didnt have the chance to win from so many battles,

who never had anyone to be there atleast,

who just fell hard on the ground,

can somebody tell me,

how would you fight if you're like me?

i am already losing hope.

its so near.

i feel the lonely sentiments of a person who is fighting against the rest of the world.

but i still want to stand once more and take a good try.

so after this moments,

i just give my self a good cry.

jan. 24, 2007

to that person with a Black Anatomy.

you know why until now we dont have

this thing below----?

world peace.

well, it is because there are still alot of "ugly-minders inside their dumb-black anatomy" walking around the planet.

i asked them: Do i look like a bitch or a whore if i wear this thing?

they answered or, better yet, she answered: NO! you can carry it very well, infact!

so if thats her opinion then why the hell she keeps on bothering me about my outfits that i know its not that conservative either it is that seductive.

im just being me.

or maybe because of her insecurities that she cant wear such!?!?

well, its not my fault.and i should not be blamed by her indifferences and complexities!

i really hate her!

i really hate the kind of people who just keeps on growing old and making her body that big, but is thinking backwards and very much conceited!

its not for her to understand the world and ME!

so long, i am not hurting anybody or causing harm to anyone,

why should i bother?

its just a matter of minding your own business!

i will really remember you with blazing fire, not just on your nose, but all over you!!!

ASSHOLE!

jan.23, 2007

para kay manok.

hoi manok !! gari kna manok!!

datapwat...

ikaw ay hari ng pintakasi.

ayos lng.

hmmp.

MANOK!!!

dai taka naiintindihan pero sinasabi ko parin na naiintindihan kita.

at sasabihin ko NAIINTINDIHAN tlga kita!

kahit hindi.

tuktaraok!=)

pag ganyan ka pa rin...

ganito ang kalalabasan mo..

haha.

charing!=)

january 22, 2007

I've lost my place on this earth

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.

Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.

And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again.

For the balance of my days.

jan. 18, 2007

MY NEW YEAR. oh. i forgot to post this. its very late!

i know its very much late to still post this thing.

but, juz wanna share, how my new year had been, to you and especially to that individual who i just saw awhile ago here in this cafe, who made my new year this way.....

In the din of fireworks and noisy drums, of colored lights in the doorways, and the clamor of the crowd yearning for peace and prosperity, I wandered like a sleepwalker until dawn, watching the fiesta thru my tears, dazed by the hallucination that it was I, and not a new year, who had been born that night-------born to fall into a deeper loneliness and much more a deeper cut of the worst pain.

-----

jan.18, 2007

Yesterday, i fell inlove once more.

I saw him yesterday.

How I wanted to expunge him in my thoughts and how I’m really making an effort to do so.

But there he was, yesterday, saying his HI’s to me and beckoning his hands as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing tainted, as if everything in the universe were still fine between us, as if I could or he could still turn back time.

But honestly, although how helpless I am in trying to somehow and somewhat erase his “everything” in my damn anatomy; one look on him, a glimpse of him, and the very moment I am able to talk to him again, made those efforts and hardships of unwanting him, vanish!

I still have this something that I can’t comprehend why, each time I’m with him or each time I see him.

Yesterday, I fell in love once more.

january 17, 2007

today

Today, when i saw you at the cafe in the school, in your favorite black suit, your hair fixed with gel to groove in the latest trend, your lean face, that chinky-glacial eyes in dark lines, your aristocrat nose, and that petrifying pair of lips you have; i thought i love you no more.

well, once more, i felt the magnitude of falling into the abyss of the so-called love, right at that moment. i admit now, i still do....

but later then, after i recover from that intense feeling; i realized that what ever is between us is nothing more than my crazy illusions.

dec.16, 2006

my philo prelims on AQUINAS.

nothing juz wanna share what i had in mind during our prelims in philosophy of religion.

the question is stated this way. discuss briefly AQUINAS' argument on motion and give your refutes.
well, the following are aquinas' arguments on motion
1. it is visible in the world that there is motion.
2. there is a series of mover in the world.
3. but there is no motion that started it self.
4. there is someone who started the motion.
5. the one that started the motion is called the "unmoved mover"
6. therefore God exists. yeah, aquinas' argument is very reasonable, infact, it is scientifically observable and accepted.

however, the last number is quite ambiguous to me. aquinas has no further explanation why he immediately co-relate it with the existence of a GOD. i wonder how he concluded that the unmoved mover is God. i am not an atheist, definitely! but im just quite skeptical with aquinas' representation and conclusion that God, really, was the unmoved mover without any further explanation and proof that God was indeed the one. but another part of me tried to intervere and reacted. if it wasn't God, then who would it be? can you think of any entity out there? well, probably, it was God.

nov.13,2006

everything in life is an OMEN...

a while ago from my E-Commerce class with sir JR, he discussed about sourcing-out some informations from people.

and he told us that there are really those people who wouldn't help out and will just reject your whatever thing there.

and accidentally, he sighted an example:

he said pointing and facing my side, " like for instance, your courting a guy (lol) and you were rejected! well thats life..you're not in the wrong track,if so you think, that is just the reality!"

and i was totally shocked with his example and all of my classmates ( because they are just my dormates who knew almost everything about me) turned their heads on me and they all laugh in choral!!! and i turned RED, PURPLE, BLUE, GREEN and all of the colors, i guess!! because it HIT me seriously....

what a mess!!!hahaha

but i know my teacher didnt even know a single thing about me and the story behind those "heads-on-me thing" of my classmates and it was a pure coincidence(or if there is such thing as coincidence.), i guess.

but after the class, my friend Jana told me, "gwapz, i believe that there is an explanation behind that happening." and i just said, "yes! i do believe that everything in life is an OMEN."

i really want to find out the reasons, why the hell on earth, my teacher faced me when he can face other students in front of him and why such example was given?

is it not an omen?

and if it is...

what was it?

i still dont know..

but there will come a time,

the OMEN will come to reveal itself...

nov. 9, 2006

its the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting...

i sent him a message last night:

"do you know that place between sleeping and being awake?

that place where you can still remember dreaming?

thats where ill always love you,

thats where ill be waiting...."

alhough he replied nothing... i dont mind anymore, the very fact of knowing that he somehow read it made me feel alright.

made me feel alright. because if there is any homo sapien who will only try to open my heart, he will surely be overwhelmed with loneliness and might be lost in space because of the emptiness inside.

but i know one morning ill wake up and find myself thinking about someone else or rather something else, and by then i know that the worst is over.(i just hope...)

my heart might be bruised, but it will recover soon and be renewed to be able to see the beauty of life once more. it happenned before,ive surpassed it, and i knew that it will happen again, and this is it; and i have this feeling that it will happen once more, im sure!

when someone leaves, its because someone is about to arrive.

i know ill find love again...

nov. 7, 2006

sa pagtakdag san adlaw

Sa pagtakdag san adlaw wara na akon iba na ginapara durudumdum kundi an usad na tawo na hasta niyan amu gihapon an akon gina maw-ot.

sa pagtakdag san adlaw an sulod san akon waran sulod na kasing-kasing ay an nag-uusad na pamayhon san akon kasadjaan.

sa pagtakdag san adlaw an akon masamok na isip mas ginasamok pa san mga irisipon kag san tawo na ginapara isip ko na aram ko wara lamang nag isip sa akon.

Pero untani sa pagtakdag san adlaw kag bag-o magtakdag an akon sadiri,

magsakat tani daun an bulan na mapapawa sa akon kaduluman.

nov. 6, 2006

pajutay-jutay mawara nalang....

kgab-i an usad sa pinaka madulom ko na gab-i.

dili ko aram kun mapakain ako; dili ko aram kun nanu an hihimuon ko; kun nanu na ako; kun mati-anu na ako; kag kun nanu kay nkakamatyag ako san irog sadto.

baga lang ako an nagalakat na batingaw kgab-i. wara sa sadiri kag sa animo.

kagab-i an usad sa pinaka-ibahan na gab-i tuna-tuna san akon pag istar didi sa duta.

kay nanu man?

kay an akon pagmatyag, baga akon nasa kaduluman, na usad-usad lng. waran pakadtuan. kay wara man basi sin kakadtuan gaud.kag wara sin kaupod! kay an tawo na gusto ko makaupod... ambot!dili ko aram kun hain na... amu na gaud basi ini n ginasabi ninda na impyerno. an maglakat na bagan wara nan pulos an imo kinabuhi.

dili ko gaud pan-u ginahuna-huna na maabot na an usad sa diri ko pa gaud gina maw-ot. O kun gin maw-ot ko man dili pa nyana, dili pa sugad, kag mas lalo dili pa kgab-i.

dili ko hunaun na hasta nalng gali kami didto. wara lamang siya nagpabatyag san maski nanu na pagbatyag bago kami mag abot didto...

wara lamang nya ako ginhulat, kag gintagaan san espasyo kag adlaw o oras nalang untani, na untani makita niya kun nanu gaud an sulod san akon kasing-kasing. na untani namatyagan nya kun pan-u man ako magpalangga. kag untani na kita gaud nya an rason na gusto niya maarman; na kaya ko man gali himuon an bagay na maski dili ko aram kun nanu kay kaya ko himuon para sa iya, aram ko nahihimuon ko para sa iya.

hadarumon gaud ini na ginbilin nya na samad.

kag aram ko na dili na ako makahimo pa sani utro san pareho san ginhimo ko sa iya. kay siya pman lng an isad na tawo na nagpasabot kag nagpamatyag sa akon kun nanu an ginatawag na 'Paghulat'. na sa tanan pa an pinaka urhi ko na hihimuon sa usad na tawo kay amo ina an ginakabadlian ko sa tanan.

siya man an nagpamatyag sa akon, na an pagpalangga diri mo gaud kaya hunaun. kay minsan an posibilidad nagaarabot sa imposibilidad. na diri mo na hunaun na kaya mo pa gali himuon.

basi, aw dili basi. kay aram ko na mapalangga pa man gaud ako kag aram ko na masasakitan paman gaud ako. pero aram ko na wara na siguro ako san hihimuan san pareho san ginhimo ko sa iya. kay sa matuod lang gaud nagbigti na ako san ilusad ko an sadiri ko sa iya. na sa kadamo naman an akon ginpalangga, sa iya ko lang nailusad an sadiri ko...

pero wara ako san ginabasulan. O dili man lang ako nagabasol na nahimo ko idto. kay sa matuod lang masadja ako. kag aram ko man na an ginhimuan ko sadto dili ko man dapat ikaalo. kay an sabi ngani kadamu ta san prilion sa aton kinabuhi, pero kinahanglan ta magpili san maayo. kag aram ko nagpili man ako san maayo.

...dili lang maayo kay dili basi kami para sa kada usad. pero ini tanan, lalo na an mga kasadjaan ko sa iya, dadarahon ko hasta nalang.

maski aram ko na wara na kami san kamutangan. maski aram ko na an iya man pagpalangga sa akon, kun ugwa man, ay diri na malampas pa sa amiga, ginabatun ko na. ....pero sa matuod lang ginatunaan ko palang batunon.

dili na man ako naga maw-ot pa na may pakadtuan pa kami. basi an akon namamatyagan,oo, ugwa pa san pakadtuan kay bagan mahidarom pa gaud ini. pero an gina maw-ot ko nalang na untani sa kahidaruman na san maabot sani kag adto na ini sa punta na wara na ini sya san pakadtuan, tani maabot na dyun sani, kag wara na ini sin mahihimo pa kundi an pa jutay-jutay mawara nalang...

oct.29,2006

to someone with dangerous ideas like mine....

i must admit you brought a new religion in my life... i never believed in goddesses or the feminine side of God til i met you... but i think you shud know i also never belivd in HELL b4 you came...haai..

but i dont mind...=)

sept. 30, 2006

i wanted to kick-box you all over the place!!hmmp.

I’m into an intensive and very much complicated mind boggling dilemma right now!!! Damn! I still got a lot of things to do! Haai…. life sucks!!! As of this very moment I really wanted to burst out crying…but I can’t cry maybe I have this dry-eye syndrome or what… or maybe because I was subconsciously suspending all those mucous layer against the eye, a middle aqueous (water) layer, and an outer lipid (oily) layer. Haai whatever!!

I’ve got so many worries in my head! And I’ve got no one to turn to….even a single moral support from someone I wanted to be there for me, who is taking a big part of those worries that is cracking up my head, or so I think!

I have to worry about my businesses that are giving me a real pain in the ass! And I’m still working out my unbelievable business plan to make it more believable! I have to hurry things up because Orgollo is coming! But I’m not yet ready! It’s so hard to work alone and to work far from the work itself!

I also have to worry about academics---- most especially those illogical subjects that I am taking up right now who have that bullshit guts to demand so many paper works about nonsense topics----topics that I cant really figure out if it can even help boost my entrepreneurial ability or if it can even pacify my restless being!

I am also trying to figure out if I can still go home after these finals just before the Orgollo to somehow prepare myself and my business for this upcoming trade fare! I really have to prepare because this is no joke anymore! I will receive many criticisms I know even if I prepare what more if I just don’t!?!

But the big worry in my head is about someone---- someone I can’t resist of thinking about! And I am starting to be annoyed by my own self delusion! I don’t want to hurry things between us, but unfortunately, I don’t know what have become of me, because I always wanted to text him, to talk to him, and much more to be with him, but I know we can’t do that and I can’t demand things like that because I just can’t… Maybe because I forgot all my worries when I’m with him, that’s why I wanted to be with him often. He’s like a stress tab to me! hahahaha….

But he’s got a lot of things to do and so I am. And that’s what cracks me up! Because there is this Shit-part of me that is not satisfied by just the thought of him. He wanted me to explain and give reasons for such behavior, but I’m speechless! And so, he told me last night that “there is no reasonless reason!” and indeed I agree! Because there is really no such thing as coincidence or accidents, all things have its own reasons and purpose! But maybe he doesn’t know and I forgot to tell him last night that indeed there is no reasonless reason but there is an unexplainable reasons--- reasons which you cannot put into words or, worst is that, you don’t know how to put it into words!

Haai… I think I’m even falling deeper! And I know that if I do so, I’ll be risking a lot ‘deeper’ too. Well anyway, it’s the only way to live life completely! And no matter what, we really have to risk something for something! We can do nothing about it, it’s the trend I guess….hehhehe!

But I really thank my blog for the unlimited space for my wild thoughts. This is where I always free myself and my mind. Because whenever I had so many worries or opportunities, as they say in business, I really love to express it through things like this…

And to that someone with dangerous ideas like mine, hehhhehe, ammm… its really rare to find someone who you’ll love to talk to and share thoughts with, so although your always letting me down over and over again, and you don’t know how much I wanted to kick-box you all over the place when you said you’ll come but you did come very late!!!!

I really can’t do that to you, because mmmmmmm (sikreto!!) hehehhe

sept.16,2006

sometimes the interests of Heaven and Hell are not so far apart...

why and why not?

haai.. you try to love someone who doesnt love you back?

isnt it heaven and hell?

newiz i dont care!!

juz wanna let you know...

if someday ill be with you, then il take the chance-----------------

ill be right here waiting...